hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
