her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
