Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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