Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
