fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
