Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
