I could make wine with my vomit
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
