Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
