I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
