If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Who died my cat blue again?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
