Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
