On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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