I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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