I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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