I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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