God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
