Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
