I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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