i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
