Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
