The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize