You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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