Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
