I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
