It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
