You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
