Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
