I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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