Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
