All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
