I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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