But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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