What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i drank out of a bidet.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
