Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
