Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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