Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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