trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
