one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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