Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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