I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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