At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
