Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
