i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We named our party play list daddy issues
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
