so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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