Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
