will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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