onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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