she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
