You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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