i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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