Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
