Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
