end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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